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And you're only as small as the world will make you seem.


I guess that makes me pretty damn small, huh?

My main thoughts lately are, "I'm not gonna make a difference. It doesn't matter, there's no use in trying." Etc. And I'm becoming suicidal again.

I'm smoking week. Drinking. Cigarrettes. Everything I've ever hated. Well, not alcohol. I've always loved that.

Anyway.
I'm depressed. I'm angry. And I'm happy. Manic. I can't deal with people.
I can't deal with me.

And I really wish I could write more than this. But I can't.





Time for me to go give up.

And you're only as small as the world will make you seem.


I guess that makes me pretty damn small, huh?

My main thoughts lately are, "I'm not gonna make a difference. It doesn't matter, there's no use in trying." Etc. And I'm becoming suicidal again.

I'm smoking week. Drinking. Cigarrettes. Everything I've ever hated. Well, not alcohol. I've always loved that.

Anyway.
I'm depressed. I'm angry. And I'm happy. Manic. I can't deal with people.
I can't deal with me.

And I really wish I could write more than this. But I can't.





Time for me to go give up.

"We must inflame all hearts."

So, today's already been interesting. I swore the meeting with Caroline would be a trainwreck.

And I almost wish it was, you know? Because she's every bit as amazing as I remember. Maybe even moreso. Which, makes it harder for me considering I know she wants little to nothing to do with me.
Emma was pretty excellent, too. I'm sure if I'd known her as long as Caroline, I'd probably fall in love with her.
That, and she smelled nice. Huge plus.

Hanging with Ash evened that out, though, because that was an hour of catching up and playing in makeup at Sephora. I missed that girl like you wouldn't even believe. And I know I'm gonna see her again before I leave, so there's that.


More later. Going to a cookout with my Dad's old boss. Dad said there's a girl my age who's interested in the same music and stuff.
Let's see how this goes, shall we?

-Insert suiting lyric here-?

I've been listening to a lot of A Rocket To The Moon lately.
Maybe because I've finally seen them in concert? Well, I saw them play Dakota. I spent the rest of the time talking to Singer and Cash from the Cab.


Maybe I should start off by saying life is... Okay. Complicated, but okay. What else did I expect? I have these two guys, and one's an udder douchebag. But I still love him, because that's me.

And then there's Mikey. Well, his name's Alex, but he looks and acts like Mikey Fucking Way. And I have him on my side, and Mark can go fuck a fucking horse.
Stupid people.

And then there's 'Lyssa, but I'm afraid that admitting to those things will only make them more real. And we all know my style. "Don't think about it until you absolutely have to. And when you do? It's going to turn out okay."

This is Sunny speaking. She's my new optimist alter ego. She's saved my life on many occasions.

I'm working on visiting Georgia one last time. Just to say a proper 'bye, and move on from things. I still have heart there, and I want to accept that it's over and let it go.

Not to mention I just wanna score a Hot Topic discount from Dana. Sucks that she graduated, or I'd make her move up here and meet Bailee. Coolest. Senior. Ever. She acts like a lesbian with me, even though she's totally straight. And no one else at that podunk little hick school will do that with me, haha.




To sum it all up (I couldn't spell Summerize. Whatever. My head hurts, haha.),
-Sunny is here for a while. At least, until my parents split. But we've all seen that coming. I'm almost hoping for it. Fuck the guy who used to be my dad.
-I'm slowly getting over shit, and forming into who I really am. I can feel it.
-And, thanks to someone (*cough cough*) I'm releasing my masks, and just letting everything flow.


Think Sunny thoughts.




Edit:
I got new headphones. They're "Balls" headphones. Ryan, Tyler, and I are having a hayday.
I fucking love life.

This is just going to be me rambling for a while. Because that's what I need, you know? I'm growing tired of thought-out rants and happy blurbs of excitement.

So what if I'm absolutely scared shitless about starting Freshman Year? It's not like I have panic attacks at the very thought.
... Oh yeah, yeah I do. Every. God. Damn. Time.
And everyone's always saying, "You have no reason to worry!"

Yes, I do! I'm trying to get a high enough score in these four years so that I can choose which college I can go to. Five colleges in Chicago that I love, and I want to choose which one I want in to. Not go to whichever one accepts me.
I have thoughts. I have dreams. And I have goals.
And going to a shitty podunk college outside of Chi-town is NOT one of them. Forgive me for having ideals and not getting pregnant at 14.

Which reminds me.
My birthday's in less than a month now.
Holyfuckingshitlifeneedstoslowdownalittle.



So, I didn't post yesterday. Mainly because I was gone all day yesterday, running around with Dana and Tyler. Most fun I've had in weeks/months. Went to the mall for about an hour, Taco Bell for half, and then a park for two or three, downtown for an hour, Target for half an hour, Petsmart for half, and then walked randomly for maybe 20 minutes. It was fun, haha.

Not to mention I saw a bunch of ducks.

Busy weekend/week, and I'm happy. <3



The only thing I have to say about this is; This is what keeps me from seriously calling myself insane and unloveable. There's someone who can handle me perfectly out there, somewhere. I'm just hoping it's in Finland, haha.
I love that place <3

Jun. 8th, 2009




I'm convinced tomorrow I am going to be somewhat productive. I'm going to walk, I'm going to write, and I am going to finish a goddamn book! I have three books I'm about halfway through, and it bugs me. I've been working on one of them for almost a year, dude.
It's bogus.

I also need to plan some shit to get me out of the house more. Even if it's also, just walking.
I still don't know when we're leaving, but I'm going to make the best out of the time I have left.
In a few senses of the term.

So, tomorrow, I am going to be happier than a bird with a french fry. I'm gonna be as happy as a bird with a gummy worm. A sour gummy worm. =D




So I decided just posting the pictures was dumb.
I'm also going to talk about what they say to me, and why I love them.
k?

So, for this picture:
I tend to be quiet if I'm around people I don't know, or I don't want to know. Normally the latter. But, it's because I don't know what to say, exactly.
I have to think first, and sometimes I just don't want to.
So what's the point?

That, and what's the point of joining a discussion about a topic you know nothing about? There is none, unless you just listen and learn.
Don't talk. You can ask questions, but talking tends to go to the wayward side and you just wind up feeling like an idiot. Never a fun time.

Reasons I love it:
1) It's true. That's what caught my attention.
2) After close examination, I noticed that's Zack Merrick. Weird. Shows that people aren't normally as shallow as I thought.

So, this is it.




Every day I'm gonna post one of these.
Because they make sense.